Strength from Within.

I found it almost two months ago. I was getting into bed and without much thinking, rubbed my right thigh. It felt like the end of pinky finger–small but very hard. My stomach knotted and I held back the tears. A phone call to my oncologist the next morning and an afternoon appointment proved that it was true–melanoma had reappeared. The small tumor was removed just a few days later, followed by another wide excision (4th surgery) to remove the tissue and skin surrounding the tumor site. The tissue excised showed one positive margin, which basically alludes to the fact that its very likely cancerous cells remain outside. Four weeks and many doctors’ visits later, here we are.

After talking to three different cancer centers and doing much research, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite years of education and experience, no one knows much of anything about this awful disease. Apparently, millions of dollars and thousands of dedicated researchers have yet to find a workable, successful solution to melanoma and what we, as patients, are left with is simply information.We take what we can and make the best decision possible. We are beyond blessed to have an amazing surgical oncologist. He is a great man and carries such a fathering spirit of peace we always leave his office feeling much better than when we walked in…shocking, I know. After talking with several different doctors, it looks like I’m going back into surgery in two weeks. They’ll go back into my right thigh and take out skin, tissue, and muscle. This will take out all of the infected area and, in Jesus name, remove all shreds of cancer cells inside. Because I’m already lacking in tissue, they’ll have to graft tissue and skin from my hip. No worries about that as I’ve got plenty of extra back there…I’m wondering if now my butt cheeks are gonna be lopsided. Also, thanks to all my generous friends who have donated their butt tissue as well…so giving, I know.

As I continue in this journey, I can’t imagine fighting this battle without Jesus. He IS the beginning and the end of all things, including me. He is the giver of all truth and of all life, including mine. He creates all things and sustains all things, including me. He pours out the river of joy, which continually fills my cup, and takes away all my sadness and replaces it with new, precious peace. He surrounds me with those who uplift and encourage and protects my heart from those who unintentionally plant seeds of doubt. He prepares a table before me and constantly reminds me that I am, forever and always, his precious daughter.

People ask how I’m holding up. If it were up to me, I’d be a disaster. But the truth and reality is that I’m not capable of holding myself up…none of us are. Instead, all we have to do is position ourselves in the palm of our Papa’s hand. He is the one who holds us up and creates this tangible gateway from my spirit into the rest of my being. Everything good about me comes from my Papa. While we are in the midst of a battle, this great war has already been won. While I know cancer is now a part of my story, this is not how the story ends. Absolutely not.

For now, each day is new. Each day presents new joys and challenges. My husband and I are growing in ways that others our age can’t even fathom. Inside of us, both individually and together, a strength is growing that will be used in ways I can’t even imagine. Our Jesus is good. Forever and always, HE. IS. GOOD.