Three weeks ago I had brain radiation. Again.
My oncologists had been watching a “suspicious” spot in my brain for awhile and after a few months, decided to go ahead and buzz it. The procedure itself isn’t so bad. The struggle is mostly mental, considering you’re strapped to a table with your head in a cage. This is third time I’ve done it so I knew what to expect. Unfortunately, this time the side effects were much worse. The splitting headache and nausea came close to the pain of childbirth. Yes. That bad.
Thankfully that only lasted a few days and in no time, I was pretty much back to normal. Physically, I was ok. Emotionally, I was tired. Exhausted. And just over it all. I needed to hear from God. I need a serious, up close and personal, Holy Spirit encounter. Thankfully (and surprisingly), it came when reading a scripture I had read dozens of times before: the splitting of the Red Sea (Exodus 13 & 14).
When the Israelites were released from Pharaoh, they assumed their long-awaited freedom had arrived. Years had passed and along with it, dreams of true freedom had probably drifted away. Most likely it wasn’t intentional—no one intentionally loses hope. It just happened, slowly, over time. But at last! God had delivered them! News of their release arrived and confused, doubtful looks turned to sighs of relief, joyful yelps, and celebrations! Unfortunately, the excitement was short-lived.
“When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt. So God let the people around by desert toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle.” Exodus 13:17-18
I can really empathize with how they felt. The gates are open! Freedom has arrived! At long last, they can go home!
Well, not so fast. Yes, you can go home, but first, you have to go on a detour…through the desert…and get chased by six-hundred chariots and who knows how many horses and armed soldiers.
Fantastic.
There have been so many times in this journey with cancer where ‘home’ has been in sight, times where the words “cancer free” were within grasp. And then, out of nowhere, another u-turn in the journey comes along and before we know it, another mountain to climb blocks our path. I’m not gonna lie. It’s frustrating and beyond exhausting. In moments of pain and confusion, it’s easy to start asking questions like “Why doesn’t God just take this away? Why doesn’t God just heal me? Why doesn’t he just make it all go away?”
Well, those are all perfectly valid questions and ones similar to what the Israelites asked when they heard the news that after all they had been through, they were being forced on another detour. And this time, it was through a desert.
Have you ever longed so deeply in your heart for something only to have it pulled what seems like further and further away? Or tasted what you have only dreamed of and then had it pulled from your grasp, leaving you questioning, raw, and utterly confused? Yeah, so have I. A few times, actually. And in those moments, we have a choice on how to respond. We can submit to that doubt, wondering, and fear, allowing it to drive us to a place of darkness and hopelessness, or we can invite Papa God to come in and speak to our longing and desperate hearts.
It’s not often that God gives a clear explanation for his actions or decisions. Here, thankfully, he does.
“When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt. So God let the people around by desert toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle.” Exodus 13:17-18
Could it be that something bigger is at work than the trauma of our present circumstance? That beyond the pain of our current struggle, there is a God—our FATHER—who is more focused on our relationship with HIM than appeasing our emotional need to have a peaceful and swift end to what we’re facing? Don’t take this the wrong way. God DOES NOT want me to have cancer. Disease is NEVER from God. Ever. As a mother, I would never purposefully put my daughter in a difficult situation or cause her physical harm to teach her a lesson. However, I do understand that those things are a part of life, and it is only through hardship and struggle that character, endurance, and true understanding of who she is and how strong she is can truly be formed. So, while God would never give disease he can certainly use it. And how better to defeat the enemy than to use his own ammunition against itself?
So, what do we do? In waiting, there is a tendency to panic or feel the need to DO something. Doing something is better than doing nothing, right? Not always. Often times we act because we think seeing A result is better than seeing THE result. That’s why when we feel we’re in a helpless situation, we tend to form unhealthy addictions or habits (overeating, undereating, working out excessively, even drug addictions). Again, thankfully, God gives us clear instructions:
“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 13:13-14.
If there’s one thing harder than being in a desperate situation, it’s being in a desperate situation and doing nothing. But that’s what we’re asked to do. Be still. Rest. Feed our faith with His voice and His word, allowing WHO HE IS to be more powerful than WHAT WE SEE.
We trust. We rest. We don’t panic. We walk on. We understand our lives are bigger than the valley we might currently be in and instead of becoming distracted by what we’re dealing with, we set our eyes on understanding the man Jesus and Father God.
You’ve probably heard the song “No Longer Slaves” by Jonathon David & Melissa Helser. If you haven’t, let me blow your mind & show it to you. The entire song is incredible but my spirit just explodes at the bridge, “You split the sea so I can walk right through it!” My hope and prayer is that after reading this and re-reading this scripture, you can see your present circumstance through a little different perspective. That you can let the Father lift your eyes to see from His perspective, and you realize the ocean that’s in front of you might not be as huge as it seems. And that while you rest, He really will split the sea…and all you have to do is walk!
1 comment
Hi Mallory …we met at Victory a while ago…I just want u to know that i have endured some devastating illnesses over the past 4 years and have been healed by HIM of most of the really serious stuff!!! I have been to several of Pastor Colleens “Healing series” and Prayed without ceasing..and had so many intercede on my behalf. You , beautiful are such and inspiration , and so beloved by EVERYONE at Victory and many more. Please know that I am out here praying for you each and everyday and I believe you will be completely healed. You are an amazing woman of God and your strength and courage are so filled with Faith. I pray for you to become fully healed in Jesus’ name and thank you for being so transparent and honest , and sharing your journey . Much Peace, Love and God’s healing light always …your friend ( and sister) ~ Mallory Smeone